The Hard Questions: The Shocking Secrets

Corinne & 2
Words by Billie Jenkins

There were several thoughts buzzing round my head as I pondered the Porn Hub statistics, available at for all you social anthropologists. (I like to call myself an anthropologist rather than a nosy little pervert, it’s got classier ring to it.)

Some of the most interesting stats come from when people are and aren’t watching porn. One of the biggest decreases coming on New Year’s Eve and Christmas Day. Realistically though, if traffic fell 32% in the UK on Christmas day, that’s still a huge amount of Porn being watch between Turkey and sharing a sherry with Nan. 14.7 billion people accessed PornHub’s site in 2013, with 63.2 billion videos viewed. With that kind of traffic it seems bizarre that the advertisers they get stretch only as far as Fuckbook, or dodgy word art stating ’Ugly girls need sex too’. Surely with an audience that vast there are better marketing opportunities out then. Then again I’m unclear how these links are making money at all. Surely this is prime space to show off the latest edition of ’Big Juggz’ or a platinum re-release of ’Debbie does Dallas’. It’s probably not an avenue I’d like to explore since the reasons are almost certainly less than savoury.

It was a surprise to find that Lisa Ann had captured the minds and pants of the world, uniting countries as diverse as Britain and Mexico. Not that I don’t love a bit of comedic coital, but the ’Nailin Palin’ that made her fame was some of the least sexy sex brought to small screen. Also Teen Mom Star Farah Abraham’s sex tape with James Deen was the most viewed film of 2013, with over 12 million hits. There are a few reasons this perturbs me. 1. It’s terrible by any porn standards. 2. There are some uncomfortable claims floating around, with Farah stating she was ’drugged and raped’ several times whilst promoting the film and has openly spoken of it ’ruining her life’. The next instalment of ’Backdoor Teen Mom’ will hit sex shops near you soon.

Another surprise in retrospect shouldn’t have been a surprise at all. Most countries most searched phrase was that countries name. We like it local. More interestingly ’Teen’ was the most searched the world over, revealing we like it local and young. This isn’t the nicest revelation since in public there is huge resistance to imagery that pushes a young, slim body image as the archetypal attractive. It is often argued it is primarily women pushing each other to aspire to this look, and men don’t find it as attractive as we are led to believe. I used to say this too, but now PornHub has revealed men and women are jacking off to that body image all over the world, every minute of the day. Not that you should worry, porn is a very different thing to real life. However if your worried you can always head to America and spend your later years reaping the attention, where milf is the third searched term.

Anal features highly, the third most searched term in the world. Ouch, those poor pinkies. This is a little disconcerting seen as it’s got less in common with the sex the average joe public is having on a day to day basis. Yet the rise of its popularity suits the medium, more visually suitable for getting the money shot, less legs to manoeuvre, I just hope life does not to start imitating art and it starts to heavily influence viewers sexuality. Lets face it no one wants to date a guy who’s more focused on anal than other areas, but I do hope that generation ’porn on tap’ know that.
I’m not lying when I say I learnt a lot from the document. Not least the exact meaning of ’creampie’, which luckily has it’s own Wikipedia page providing the gory details without the need for a video lesson. (I would say check out the very informative diagram below for the answer but according to the statistics most of you already know.) This data can offer some really eye-opening insights into the private sex lives that are only shared with the traffic monitors of the World Wide Web. It also raised the question what do our searches reveal about our sexuality? How do we pigeon hole our desires into three words in a search bar? Only PornHub is offering answers.

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